The Approach of PMDD

Oh, the joy. I know it's coming. I can feel it. PMDD. While I've never been officially diagnosed with it, just a little research on the internet and reading from some reliable sources (such as WebMD, Mayo Clinic, to list just a couple), I have no doubt this is mine to claim. I've wondered for years what my problem is (and why it seems to be getting worse), and I guess, now I know.

Let's review the symptoms of Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD for short) as listed on WebMD, and check off the ones I suffer from... on a regular basis.

• Mood swings Check
  
• Depressed mood or feelings of hopelessness Check
  
• Marked anger, increased interpersonal conflicts Check
  
• Tension and anxiety
• Irritability Check
  
• Decreased interest in usual activities Check
  
• Difficulty concentrating (unchecked, for now)
  
• Fatigue Check
  
• Change in appetite Check
  
• Feeling out of control or overwhelmed Check
  
• Sleep problems Check
  
• Physical problems, such as bloating Check

Starting at the top, I'll give you a brief explanation (my view) of my symptoms specifically, and you can be the judge... You'll have two choices for my diagnosis: A) You're crazy B) You definitely have PMDD.

Mood Swings: I tend to be pretty even keeled, unless of course it seems that someone is intentionally pushing my buttons, OR if I've asked you a hundred times to do something and it's still not done. I notice that about 15 days after my period... this becoming a real issue. Sometimes, when PMDD rears its ugly head, I don't think it really takes anything to set me off... the brain becomes very nit-picky and just looks for things to fan the PMDD flames.

Depressed Mood/Hopelessness: Oh, this fits right in with the mood swings. Once they start, I become frustrated with myself for not being able to "control" myself/feelings/outbursts. I get pretty down on myself, which tends (or so it would seem) to steam roll right into the other symptoms. Often have the thought of quitting my job because it seems like such a lost cause and I feel like all I'm doing is chasing my tail.

Marked Anger: I don't think that's quite an adequate explanation for me. Rage is more appropriate. What comes after rage? I may very well break the Rage-Meter if someone were to hook me up to one and try to measure it. I'm sure I'd be right off the charts. And it strikes, often, without warning. The mood swing hits and before I know it, I'm so enraged that I have to go be by myself a while... usually for the preservation of a life of someone else that lives with me. It's ugly. I hate it.

Tension/Anxiety: I left this unchecked, because I think the "rage" thing well surpasses the anxiety thing.

Irritability: See "Marked Anger" above. And it usually only takes one word, one look, or sometimes just one sound (like the sigh... you all know which sigh I mean). Irritability starts the instantaneous mood swing, which in turn, ignites the rage. It all happens so quickly, it's hard to be able to distinguish the different "levels" of the symptoms. Sometimes, I could swear I skip irritable and moody and go straight to unbridled PMDD-rage.

Decreased Interest in Usual Activities: Yes, I feel like I (almost) give up hope, and if I don't actually give up hope, I sure as shit want to. Thus, I don't want to do anything, even the things that I usually love and would suffer withdrawal symptoms from not doing. I just want to sit, like a fat lump, somewhere, by myself, doing nothing.

Difficulty Concentrating: I left this "unchecked" because I have that problem anyway ever since I had the kidney stone from hell. This turned out to be much more than a kidney stone, but that's a story for another day. So, I won't count it to try and be completely fair to the PMDD.

Fatigue: Ugh, I wear myself out just thinking about doing anything. Which leads me back to the Decreased Interest category... I would rather sit like a lump, because just doing that is exhausting enough.

Change in Appetite: This is a gross understatement. Holy cow... I could eat the Holy Cow if it were cooked well-done and sitting in front of me. Anything and everything is fair game when the PMDD strikes. I can eat, and eat, and eat and never get full. It's like being a werewolf during a two-week extended full moon phase. And when I think something is going to hit the spot, it never does, and I'm on the prowl again, looking for something, anything, that will kill the hunger.

Feeling Out of Control or Overwhelmed: This comes right after PMDD pushes me into the rage-stage. I have to remove myself because I am truly afraid I won't be able to control myself. Sometimes, I can't get away in time and things start happening... things fly across the room... usually in the general direction of the source of my rage. Maybe I should say the possible source. I can't really determine with great accuracy whether or not they were the source, or just the wrong-place-at-the-wrong-time target of the PMDD rage. Overwhelmed is a whole different topic. I start to feel like I'm the only one that does anything, ever. While I know it's not true that I'm the ONLY one, I sure feel like I have the brunt of the responsibility for everything related to our family.

Sleep Problems: Can't get enough. If I could, I would never crawl out of bed. I think my mind is trying to spare me the agony of all the other symptoms of my PMDD-monster by trying to keep me asleep. That would sure be nice.

Physical Problems, such as Bloating: Ummm... yes. Jeans are a bit snug as I sit here. And I notice that my gut pushes out over the top of my jeans, which I find horribly disgusting, but yet, there it is. I guess I could include in here the GI distress which include diarrhea. And it can often be wicked - so bad that I don't dare leave the house, even with Imodium. What else? Aches and pains, mostly in the joints (more specifically knees and hips), but it seems that my sciatica acts up more and with and intensity that is merciless during the near 2 weeks I endure the other symptoms of PMDD. Bladder goes insane. Need I say more? Boobs kill me. When I take off the bra it feels like I'm having a bilateral mammogram! Incredible and indescribable breast pain. How is that fair?? Sometimes I sleep with my bra on because it hurts so bad if I take it off! Oddly enough, I escape this horrific symptom about 2 times a year. It is my BIG clue that the rag is lurking right around the corner. I'm sure there are other things, but I just haven't (or refuse to) lump them in with this PMDD monkey that's attached itself to my female reproductive organs.

Once the period starts, a switch flips, like a light in my head. The brain thinks Oh thank GOD! This is over and I'm free for about 14 days! There is a light at the end of the tunnel when that little switch in my head flips on (or maybe its flipping the PMDD off?). That is, once I get through the wickedly cruel cramps, which are more like contractions that makes it feel like my innards are going to spill right out of my crotch. (Sorry, I know that's gross and maybe a little TMI, but it's the only way I can describe it. That's exactly what it feels like.)

So what's the verdict? Crazy? Or PMDD?

I think I need to go see a doc.